


Old Wounds That Never Healed

by mamalovesherbagels



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, The angstiest, discussion of domestic violence, maddie is fucking going through it, not graphic but be aware, vaguely set sometime in the first half of the third season
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-05
Updated: 2020-05-05
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:08:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,411
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24024859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mamalovesherbagels/pseuds/mamalovesherbagels
Summary: On the night before Maddie’s wedding, Buck said something out of frustration that he could never take back. Five years later, they finally have a much needed conversation about it, and about her relationship with Doug.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley
Comments: 8
Kudos: 50





	Old Wounds That Never Healed

“I don’t know why you even bother with her,” Buck says carefully, “Mads, the woman didn’t even show up when you were kidnapped.”

“Buck, that woman is our mother,” she replies, but she’s picking at her nails as she says is, a telltale sign of hers that she’s not as confident as she’s trying to seem.

“Yeah, and she failed you when you needed her the most. So stop returning her calls.”

“Buck,” she sighs, “you know it’s not that simple.”

“Isn’t it, though?” he presses, walking over to her and trying to put a hand on her shoulder, but she pulls away, “come on, Maddie, you’re always upset after you talk to her. Why do you keep doing this to yourself?”

“What can I say, I like people who hurt me,” she says bitingly, and Buck drops the glass of water he’s holding.

“...Maddie, that’s not… that’s not fair to yourself--”

“Isn’t it, though?” she asks, mocking him in a way that is completely too mean spirited to be in character for her.

“Maddie, are you drunk?”

“So what if I am?”  
“Okay, okay, WHAT is going on here? Where is all this coming from? What in the hell did mom say to you?”

“Nothing that you haven’t said to me before,” Maddie replies, sitting down on the couch and shifting herself into a cross-legged position.

“...did I… did I do something? Do you want me to call Chimney? Because you don’t seem okay and if I pissed you off--”

“She wants to meet Chimney,” Maddie interrupts, picking at her fingernails some more, “she wants to meet Chimney because she… she’s sure he’s going to be just like Doug. She doesn’t trust me when I say he’s not, and I get it because I used to swear up and down that Doug wasn’t… she doesn’t have any faith in me. She says I’m stupid when it comes to men.”

“Maddie, what I said to you, that night before you married Doug, I didn’t mean it.”

“But you did, though. You said that you didn’t understand how someone so smart could do something so stupid to herself,” Maddie whispers, voice cracking as she furiously wipes at her eyes, “and you meant it… and you know, maybe I can handle mom thinking I’m stupid, but I have to be honest, I don’t know if I can handle it from you anymore.”

“Maddie, Maddie, I don’t think you’re stupid, I never thought you were stupid, I just didn’t want you to marry him. And yeah, I phrased it terribly, but you have to believe me, there hasn’t been a single moment that I EVER thought you were dumb.”

“But you didn’t understand. And you still don’t.”

“That’s not fair.”

“But it is!” she shouts, standing up from the couch abruptly and stumbling a bit, and yep, she’s definitely at least a little drunk, “yeah, I shouldn’t have married him, clearly! But I just wanted… I just wanted someone to take care of me for once, to pay ATTENTION to me, and I fell for Doug’s facade, sue me! Jesus, Buck, it’s not like he punched me the day we met!”

“Maddie… what are you talking about? Someone to pay attention to you? I always paid attention to you--”

“Yes, because I was your mother! I had to be your MOTHER, Buck, because God knows our actual mother wasn't going to look out for you! And that’s not… God, that’s not your fault. I took that on myself, but I didn’t… I didn’t get to be a kid, Buck! As soon as you were born I had to grow up to make sure you got what you needed. I had to learn how to be a mom without having one of my own! Mom and dad were there, but…”

“They weren’t there at the same time,” Buck nods, tears in his eyes, feeling his stomach drop.

“Nobody was there to take care of me, no one,” she cries, burying her face in her hands because she can’t cope with the sadness on her baby brother’s face, “so Doug? When he wanted to take care of me, look out for me? I thought it was sweet. It wasn’t… it wasn’t that controlling at first. It just felt like someone cared. And what did I know about that? It wasn’t like dad ever showed much warmth to mom.”

“You thought that’s what love was supposed to be like,” Buck chokes out, “him keeping tabs on where you were felt like love.”

“It did,” Maddie nods, “and I wish I knew better, but how was I supposed to? You can’t blame me for--”

“I never blamed you,” Buck near growls, not angry, per se, but unable to stomach the notion that he ever BLAMED his sister for the abuse she suffered.

“Maybe you never blamed for what Doug did to me, but there was a time when you blamed me for not getting out sooner. You never understood.”

“I’m starting to now,” he says solemnly, reaching out to touch her again, and this time she doesn’t pull away.

“He didn’t start hurting me right away,” she whispers, “he waited to hurt me until he had completely isolated me. And what was I supposed to do, just leave? When I had finally broken free from the way things were at home? When he had become my entire life? When he had already convinced me that I was nothing without him? Was I just supposed to be nothing, Evan?”

“You are not nothing. You were never nothing.”

“I loved someone who pushed me down the stairs because I forgot to wash the dishes,” Maddie sobs, sounding absolutely disgusted with herself, “it sure felt like I was nothing.”

“That’s on Doug for making you feel that way, not on you for feeling it. But Maddie h-he… he pushed you down the stairs?”

“I worked in an ER,” she cries, holding onto her brother like she’d completely break if she let go, “I worked at an ER and I couldn’t even get an x-ray to make sure my broken ribs hadn’t punctured a lung because then they’d know, they’d all know. And then he’d kill me. I”m sorry, Evan, I’m so, sorry that I didn’t leave sooner, that I left you, I-I’m so---”

“Madeleine Buckley, you do not have a single thing to be sorry for,” he says, weeping himself, “I’m sorry that I didn’t… I’m sorry that I never understood. I just think… I just think that I didn’t want to. Because then it would be real. If I understood it then what was happening to my sister, the person I loved and trusted the most, then it would all be real. And I didn’t want to believe it. I didn’t want it to be real, Maddie.”

“I l-love you,” Maddie cries, “I love you so much, Buck. I can handle mom not getting it, but I j-just need you not to be ashamed of me anymore.”

“I was never ashamed of you,” he says, looking her deadly serious right in the eye, “but I understand now, Maddie, I understand, I promise. And no matter what mom thinks, you never, ever have to worry about me not being on your side, okay? It’s you and me against the world, just like it’s always been.”

“Like it’s always been,” Maddie nods, futilely trying to pull herself together.

“No, no, you cry all you need, it’s okay,” he shakes his head, holding her tight, “God knows how many times you’ve done this for me. Just cry, Maddie, let it all out. I’m here for you, Maddie, and I see you.”

“Y-you see me?” she asks desperately, looking at him as if he’s holding her sanity in his hands.

“I see you,” he nods emphatically, “I see you, Maddie, and I’m never going to turn a blind eye to you again.”

“Thank y-you,” she sobs, clinging to him, “thank you. That’s all I-I ever needed to hear.”

And they sit there like that, on the couch, with Maddie crying into his shoulder for a long while and with Buck feeling helpless, and guilty, and unsure of what to do for her going forward.

But he’s there with her now, and he hopes, he prays, he longs, he has to believe it’s enough. 

In that moment, he begs to whatever higher power that might exist that him being there, holding her, is enough.


End file.
